How Tantra Makes Me Monogamous
For a very long time, I was very skeptical about monogamy. I did not think it would work. In my early twenties, I had two monogamous relationships and both failed disastrously, that was before my awakening, and I was just living like a "conventional person" in a conventional society, studying at university, hopefully looking for a job after, perhaps getting married one day, doing what everybody else was doing.
In those brief monogamous relationships, I felt I had to lie to my then boyfriends to maintain peace; I felt I had to compromise many aspects of my being for the sake of "preserving in such a relationship". I had to deny my attraction towards other people, and perhaps also sexual desires sometimes. I felt like a fraud, not living my life authentically.
After my awakening experience around mid-twenties, that was also when I started to explore my sexuality. I was free, like a bird; curious like a cat; wild like a person whom just got out of jail. I had sex with many men, had many lovers - from all backgrounds, all cultures, all different varieties and sizes, to satisfy my own desires and curiosity, but also to discover my own sexuality, to explore this area as deeply as I could. I also explore the aspect of polyamory, even explored intimacy with women, but never really staying in any lasting relationships, mainly because I was not ready to have a relationship, also I moved around a lot, and as I kept evolving on my spiritual journey, I felt I was a different person all the time. I was probably not really in love but more on the path of lust and desire, also the path of self-discovery.
It came to a time I felt I was done with my explorative stage, there was no need to have sex with many men, no need to have many lovers and that was when I started on the path of tantra and also diving deep into the teaching of Divine Feminine.
As I started walking on the tantric path, I started to embody more self-love, to fully love myself, honouring my temple, that is why I no longer wish to share my sexual energy freely, randomly with any person. I become much more selective of whom I want to share my sexual energy with.
That is when the genuine desire of finding a tantric partner, to explore an authentic tantric relationship arose. During my intense tantric training with my Tantric master Renetsu (Tantra Ecstatic Presence) in the jungle of Thailand, my energy field kept shifting in her presence, like a direct transmission from the master. Every time after the training, I stepped into a different dimension and came out to be a different person.
During that period of three months, I connected with three men, tantrically. I connected with each of them when I was in a certain energy field. And after each energy shift, I moved into a different dimension and connected with a different person. Also, everything was in the flow, everything was perfectly arranged by the Universe.
The last time of my energy shift was a profound shift, and I finally came into full presence, something very new to me, to step into a completely different dimension, to experience things from a much higher dimension (there are many dimensions in this reality).
And two days after, I met someone on the dancefloor. Our meeting was pure energy meeting. We recognised each other by our energy. I did not even pay too much attention to his physicality. I only saw him as energy (when you step into a higher dimension, you become much more sensitive to energy. Also you start to see things as energy, not what they appear physically, but energetically). Tantra is in essence energy.
The relating with this man was completely out of this physical realm. When we danced, it was as if our souls were dancing. Words were not necessary. When we made love, it was pure electric sexual union, every cell in my body came alive, feeling ecstasy, blissful. It was as if we were making love to the Universe, in the astral realm, merging as one in the state of no-mind, true divine union.
We spent one magical week together. It was truly relating without fear, without mind, purely sharing love and joy. We still kept in touch and the connection between us is still strong despite in a long distant relationship.
Of course, when you came into full presence, it does not mean that you can maintain in that state for a very long time as it is still a moment to moment practice especially if you are new to being fully present. It takes time to integrate the whole experience, also time to shed your skin and release yourself from old habits and patterns of thinking, to reborn in each moment.
I know for us to meet fully, there would still be work to do, particularly on my side. Occasionally, my mind would fall into the unconscious and he would be here to remind me. It is like we are here to help each other to grow, to evolve, to embody our divinity, to enlighten each other. I experienced so much spiritual growth just by being with him. He told me he was getting ready for departure in two years (to the light realm - and don't grasp this with your mind). He saw visions of me a few months ago and when he met me he recognised me instantly "as the Goddess that will lead him into light" (in his words. I don't grasp words either, but I felt his sincerity when he said it).
In many ways, he was different from many "conscious men" I encountered. A lot of "tantric men" I met want to have different lovers, to have sex with many women (by the way, not a judgment here). For him, he has love for everybody, but only want to relate sexually to one person, because he honours his temple so much that he would only want to offer it to one Goddess, and that's exactly how I feel about my temple too. Because he is an authentic tantric man, he has perfect control of his sexual energy, and not taken over by desire (to me, he is probably the most embodied tantric man I have encountered so far and I had encountered many who claimed they are "tantric").
We both have the desire to be in a true tantric alchemy, like Shiva and Shakti, Vishnu and Lakshmi, Brahma and Saraswati, Krishna and Radha, Jesus and Mary Magdalene. A path of complete devotion, surrendering to Love, to Truth, merging as One.
This type of relating is like nothing I have experienced in the past. This type of monogamy is very different from the conventional type of monogamy. There are no rules, no system, no possession, no attachment, no fear. Also, to understand that the manifestation of the outer union is simply a reflection of the inner union. When one truly feels whole and complete within and can embody this tantric union within, that is when one can relate without fear, no neediness, no demanding, no "must do this or that", no attachment, no possession, no-mind! A relationship where love and freedom can co-exist, no illusion or drama associated with the idea of romanticism, but also willingly remaining in complete bhakti devotion, and surrendering to the Divinity within each other.
To me, this is an authentic path to the Divine and it is my path. And I know this wondrous manifestation of the outer union is a pure reflection of the inner union.
Like Mary Magdalene, addressing Christ, in the Bridal Chamber of Wisdom:
Embrace me as your emptiness and fill me with your love…
I am an empty vessel, a chalice of holy yearning for you…
I am the melody the harp of heaven has never played… play me now…
Bring the melody of all I can be into living music…
Play me all lovingly and my heart will blossom and grow in strength and beauty
for you… for the bright promise of the fullness of your loving
uplifts my heart and stirs an inward music that makes me want to sing
all my love for you as you play me, play me, all-caressingly, so very lovingly…
What Spirit, this, so invisibly stirring in me, that makes me fountain forth
all this love for you… Be thou the Eternal Guest, receiving my kisses,
filling my arms, blessing me with your best, nesting in me so exquisitely….
And take me into infinite ecstasies… annihilate my every sense
of self unto selflessness in this rapturing of endless bliss in *you*!
Oh come! come! come! into me, & fill me like the surging Fountain of Eternity!
At the crest of your fountaining it is *our* fountaining; & how i soar,
overflowing for you — in the more! more! evermoring…
In my nothinging you infill me and I become everything — All that *you* are!”