I've been sipping coconuts and living in a hut by the beach for the past two weeks here on the beautiful island of Koh Phangan while doing a shakti spirit teacher training course (female empowerment and tantra course). I have genuinely enjoyed my life here.
Last week while I was having lunch by myself at this lovely Thai restaurant, a beautiful old lady walked in. She was perhaps in her sixties, her presence and energy were so divine that I was immediately drawn to her. I invited her to join me for lunch (sometimes when I see people I like, I don't shy away).
We had the most profound conversations. She told me she teaches ecstatic presence. I had no doubt that she has truly embodied her teaching and she was one of the co-founders of one of the famous yoga centres here (Interestingly, for the past few days I've been connecting with a few cofounders of different yoga centers on the island). And she had just arrived from New Zealand after teaching there for a while.
She told she had been based in Koh Phangan for many years but travelled to different places for teaching. She was also an Osho sannyasin, so we shared our love for Osho.
This is what I love about the island. The spiritual community here is very strong and synchronicity happens all the time. You can easily strike a conversation with anyone here about consciousness, spirituality, tantra, past life... no one would think you are a weirdo as everyone is on the path.
One thing in particular from our conversation that really stuck in my mind. I was sharing with her how I felt ambivalent towards certain things (which I could not even remember now). She told me "You can have a plan, as long as it's not your plan." Surrender your plan to divine plan, trust that the divine always has a greater plan for you, even if you don't know what it is yet. You don't really need to plan, the plan will always unfold.
I could not agree more. I realise that whenever I feel myself plan too much or push for things to happen, it just won't work or it won't work that well, whether it's my career, my relationships, or other aspects in life.
Yes, most of the time I may get what I want if I push and make things happen, but then I realise it's actually not what I want by the time I got it (if that makes sense). For instance, I wanted to be a lawyer at high school, by the time I became a lawyer, I knew that it was not what I wanted.
Also I wanted to be an entrepreneur, by the time I became an entrepreneur, I wanted to be a yoga teacher, by the time I taught yoga for a while, I wanted to learn other things such as mystical dance and tantra, and also started writing.
This is also true with men and relationships. Sometimes I feel I have an intense deep connection with someone, but it may be just for that moment. When the moment is gone, we just bid farewell and keep flowing with life. If I try to hold on or force things to happen, it just wouldn't work.
Deep down I may not be that interested either, although I may have the emotional attachment - I find this attachment thing happens most commonly among females as we tend to be more emotional. Also this attachment behavior could be stemmed from old patterns of behaviour and conditionin. Again that does not mean I'm truly interested and most of the time in hindsight I was just glad that a lot of things didn't work out the way I wanted - as deep down I wasn't truly wanting it or my want could change from moment to moment.
As Osho put it wisely, truth can only be obtained in this moment, here and now. Whatever I say or do, it's only true in this moment. Beyond this moment, I'm not quite sure (this perhaps also applies to this current post I'm writing).
For instance, on my third day when I arrived in Koh Phangan, I was in love with my new life so much to the extent that I started to seriously contemplating the possibility of me moving here. Then when I woke up the next day, I realised I could not really move here (too many mosquitos and also too damn hot everyday - I can't stay in hot weather for too long). Then I again remember that I can't stay in one place for too long (even if it were paradise). My wanderlust is extremely serevere and I can base in different places, but not just one place, at least not at this stage of my life.
We have to be careful of what we want. Sometimes what we think we want may not be what we truly want and also our wants change from time to time as we keep evolving on this journey, so are our desires, dreams and other things. And if we try to plan too much and force things to happen, we may also block other greater plan that the divine has in store for us.
When you have "a want" - I think it's important to examine where is this want coming from? What's the core of it? Is it genuine, authentic or is it stemmed from fear, attachment and limiting belief? Also is it heart-based, soul-based?
Sometimes there is also no need to act on our wants immediately, wait for them to season for a bit to see unfold next. Have a plan but make sure that it's not your plan, always follow the flow, be open-minded and surrender yourself to the Divine plan.
The Divine always knows better than our limited mind.
(I initially plan to come back to Melbourne in the first week of May, now I have to change my flight ticket to extend my stay as something has opened up - I also need to change my workshop dates in Melbourne - again never over plan)
So now my plan for life is to have no plan, just Be and follow the flow of life. This is of course easier said than done, I am aware in my daily life I could still tend to push things for a bit (again old patterns of behaviour and conditioning), but when the awareness kicks in, I would again remember to step back and just be a witness instead of the doer.
And I feel even when I am doing something, it should not be me doing them, the things should be done through me. For instance, when I'm writing a poem, it should not be me writing it, it should be the divine working through me, I am merely an instrument of the divine (if that makes sense).
"Don't seek, don't search, don't ask, don't knock, don't demand ~ relax. If you relax, it comes. if you relax, it is there.
If you relax, you start vibrating with it."