How I Became Enlightened and Life after Enlightenment


22 Oct 2018.

This is the date I became enlightened. This is the date I’ve arrived. It happened to me in the morning, perhaps around 10-11am, I couldn’t remember exactly the time and it is not important. I just knew it happened.

When enlightenment happened to you, you cannot miss it. When the self has completely dissolved, when all chatters in the mind has completely stopped, when your reality shifted instantly and when you merge into Oneness with all existence, when you no longer identify with the body, mind and anything else. This is not a small event.

You can miss anything in life. But you will not miss enlightenment if it happens. It is like when a cosmic orgasm happened to you, you would know.

Also I was not hallucinating. I was not on any psychedelics or drugs, I was completely sober. In fact, I had never been more sober than I am now in my life and I had never truly seen reality like I see it now.

However, this happening cannot be described in words. Words are quite powerless to describe such profound happening. The human language is limited and it is not designed for enlightened people.

Perhaps the biggest “obstacle” for people who became enlightened afterwards would be to communicate and convey to others about exactly what happened to them. (although this would not exactly be perceived as an obstacle by the enlightened ones, as the self or the mind is not there in the first place to perceive anything anymore.)

I can understand why some people who obtained enlightenment preferred to keep quiet, because they knew whatever they said, people probably would not believe in them, also people may have another 1000 questions for them and whatever they answer, they will probably not be able to satisfy the curious minds of others, also whatever they answer, it will not exactly do justify to what have actually happened. So it seems to be wise to just remain silent, utterly silent about the whole thing.

Unfortunately (again, there is no one here to perceive this as unfortunate, I simply put the word here for the sake of convenience), that is not my dharma in this world. I’m here to serve and help more people to get there, so I am not here to keep quiet about anything, particularly not something like enlightenment. What happened to me was simply too beautiful, too magical, too blissful to just keep it to myself. It will be too selfish for me to keep it to myself. I feel it is my duty to let the whole world know, so more people can perhaps also get here as it is within all human potential to end all suffering and illusions in our life. Again, this is guided by the Divine and it is my “purpose” here on earth.

I also feel the time is ready to speak about this openly, as there is a massive shift of consciousness and awakening happening globally, so more and more people are ready for the truth. But also whatever I say, I know words are limited. Still, since we are living in this “reality”, so words and language are also necessary and I will try to use language to describe in the best capacity I know, understanding its limited conditions.


So how did I get here?

Although words will in no way do justify to what happened to me, I will still try my best to describe it.

First of all, please understand that all truths in life are paradoxical. To obtain enlightenment is not an easy task, first arduous effort is needed. The right effort, the right actions, the right conditions and the right guidance are needed. Just like what Buddha described in his eightfold path of enlightenment.

The Universe responds to your desires, and if you are really earnest and sincere on the path to enlightenment, if you are really sure this is what you want in your life, then when the divine timing is here, there comes to a point you realise that all efforts need to be dropped, because you’ve tried everything but nothing has happened, so you drop all effort and it happens suddenly, spontaneously, naturally and effortlessly, and you will know it.

My awakening journey in this lifetime started five years ago, travelling around the world, seeking and studying with different spiritual teachers. Now five years probably seems like a short time for any one to obtain enlightenment, but please know that this is the journey of many lifetimes, and five years in this lifetime.

I have been here for many lifetimes, just like all of you. I was not successful in my previous lives and that was why I came back here again. So rest assure that the journey has not been easy. It was arduous, strenuous. But this is worth everything. I would not trade this for anything else.

When you become enlightened, that is when all suffering ends in your life.

I also feel that my powerful experience with Ayahuasca which happened exactly one month ago, helped me accelerate this journey to enlightenment. It was my catalyst to my enlightenment. As I wrote in my previous post, during my ayahuasca ceremony, I was clearly in an enlightening state, for a very long time and it lasted even after I left the centre. Ayahuasca sent me to enlightenment and made everything very tangible. I was already living in an enlightened reality in ayahuasca.

However, this intensity faded when I came back to “this reality”. And I remember even two days ago, I felt frustrated, I couldn’t understand why I was so clearly “enlightened” then again I wasn’t. I was even crying last weekend on Saturday, lying on my bed the whole time, because I really wanted to get back to that state again. I thought maybe I needed to put more effort on my spiritual journey, maybe I needed to become a bramacharya and stick to a very strict diet (like a video I posted just two days ago).

Then yesterday morning, when I woke up, still a little bit disheartened that I was not enlightened yet. A strong intuition told me to google what happened to Osho on his day of enlightenment and prior to that, what happened. It was a very clear voice which told me to do that. So that was exactly what I did.

I opened Google and searched “Osho enlightenment day”. I stumbled upon this long article in which Osho clearly described about what happened to him on the day of his enlightenment and just before that. Here is the full article on what Osho described on his day of enlightenment.

The following is an exact from that article:

“I laughed, a real uproarious laugh, seeing the whole absurdity of trying to be enlightened. The whole thing is ridiculous because we are born enlightened, and to try for something that is already the case is the most absurd thing. If you already have it, you cannot achieve it; only those things can be achieved which you don't have, which are not intrinsic parts of your being. But enlightenment is your very nature.”

I had struggled for it for many lives—it had been the only target for many many lives. And I had done everything that is possible to do to attain it, but I had always failed. It was bound to be so—because it cannot be an attainment. It is your nature, so how can it be your attainment? It cannot be made an ambition.

Mind is ambitious—ambitious for money, for power, for prestige. And then one day, when it gets fed up with all these extrovert activities, it becomes ambitious for enlightenment, for liberation, for nirvana, for God. But the same ambition has come back; only the object he changed. First the object was outside, now the object is inside. But your attitude, your approach has not changed; you are the same person in the same rut, in the same routine.

The day I became enlightened" simply means the day I realized that there is nothing to achieve, there is nowhere to go, there is nothing to be done. We are already divine and we are already perfect—as we are. No improvement is needed, no improvement at all. God never creates anybody imperfect. Even if you come across an imperfect man, you will see that his imperfection is perfect. God never creates any imperfect thing.

I laughed that day because of all my stupid ridiculous efforts to attain it. I laughed on that day at myself, and I laughed on that day at the whole of humanity, because everybody is trying to achieve, everybody is trying to reach, everybody is trying to improve.

To me it happened in a state of total relaxation—it always happens in that state. I had tried everything. And then, seeing the futility of all effort, I dropped…I dropped the whole project, I forgot all about it. For seven days I lived as ordinarily as possible.

The people I used to live with were very much surprised, because this was the first time they had seen me live just an ordinary life. Otherwise my whole life was a perfect discipline.

As soon as I read “To me it happened in a state of total relaxation—it always happens in that state. I had tried everything. And then, seeing the futility of all effort, I dropped…I dropped the whole project, I forgot all about it. For seven days I lived as ordinarily as possible.” that was the moment I stopped all effort and that was the moment I became totally relaxed, that was the moment when I dropped into a deep profound silence, that was the moment when the mind slowly dissolved and all chatters stopped, that was the moment when reality shifted for me in the most profound way, that was the moment I stopped identifying with body, mind and all externals, that was the moment when I merged into Oneness with all existence…

That was the moment when enlightenment happened.

Enlightenment is actually closer than most people think. Enlightenment is actually not too difficult if you understand how. All spiritual practices are techniques to help us get there, but one day all effort needs to be dropped for it to happen. Sometimes too much effort can be an obstacle to get here.

And Osho kept on saying

And in seven days I completely forgot the whole project (how Osho was trying very hard and was very discipline in his life), and I forgot it forever. And the seventh day it happened—it happened just out of nowhere. Suddenly all was light; and I was not doing anything, I was just sitting under a tree resting, enjoying. And when I laughed, the gardener heard the laughter. He used to think that I was a little bit crazy, but he had never seen me laugh in that way. He came running. He said, "What is the matter?"

I said, "Don't be worried. You know I am crazy—now I have gone completely crazy! I am laughing at myself. Don't feel offended. Just go to sleep." 

I am reminded of the fateful day of twenty-first March, 1953. For many lives I had been working—working upon myself, struggling, doing whatsoever can be done—and nothing was happening.

Now I understand why nothing was happening. The very effort was the barrier, the very ladder was preventing, the very urge to seek was the obstacle. Not that one can reach without seeking. Seeking is needed, but then comes a point when seeking has to be dropped. The boat is needed to cross the river but then comes a moment when you have to get out of the boat and forget all about it and leave it behind. Effort is needed, without effort nothing is possible. And also only with effort, nothing is possible.

Just before twenty-first March, 1953, seven days before
, I stopped working on myself. A moment comes when you see the whole futility of effort. You have done all that you can do and nothing is happening. You have done all that is humanly possible. Then what else can you do? In sheer helplessness one drops all search.

And as I kept on reading, the mind just became so silent, I was so utterly in the present and I was no longer my mind and my body, my consciousness was pervasive of the entire space. And everything started to integrate (again, I cannot describe in words).

For a moment, even if I tried to doubt if I was enlightened, but there was no “self” that was here to doubt anymore. Even if you want to doubt, you cannot. It is either here or not. And you know it.

Not just for Osho, all other people who have become enlightenment all happened on a relaxed state, as Eckhart Tolle also described in his book the Power of Now, also for Sadhguru, for Mooji and all other people.

To me, it was the same. Many lives I had been struggled but nothing happened. But when one stops all struggles, it happened.

Enlightenment can only happen in a totally relaxed state. Because enlightenment is the state of no-mind. When there is tension, it means the mind is here. Only when you are totally relaxed and at ease, that is when enlightenment can happen. It is our very natural state. Like Osho said, we are born enlightenment.

It is indeed paradoxical to say that one seeks enlightenment, as enlightenment is not there to be sought in the first place. One has to realise and remember that is our natural state, our very nature when we were babies and small children. Many children are enlightened before any conditioning seeped in, also many animals are enlightened because there is no mind in the first place.

Osho kept on saying in his article:

And the day the search stopped, the day I was not seeking for something, the day I was not expecting something to happen, it started happening. A new energy arose—out of nowhere. It was not coming from any source. It was coming from nowhere and everywhere. It was in the trees and in the rocks and the sky and the sun and the air—it was everywhere. And I was seeking so hard, and I was thinking it is very far away. And it was so near and so close.

Just because I was seeking I had become incapable of seeing the near. Seeking is always for the far, seeking is always for the distant—and it was not distant. I had become far-sighted, I had lost the near-sightedness. The eyes had become focussed on the far away, the horizon, and they had lost the quality to see that which is just close, surrounding you.
The day effort ceased, I also ceased. Because you cannot exist without effort, and you cannot exist without desire, and you cannot exist without striving.

The phenomenon of the ego, of the self, is not a thing, it is a process. It is not a substance sitting there inside you; you have to create it each moment. It is like pedalling bicycle. If you pedal it goes on and on, if you don't pedal it stops. It may go a little because of the past momentum, but the moment you stop pedalling, in fact the bicycle starts stopping. It has no more energy, no more power to go anywhere. It is going to fall and collapse.

The ego exists because we go on pedalling desire, because we go on striving to get something, because we go on jumping ahead of ourselves. That is the very phenomenon of the ego—the jump ahead of yourself, the jump in the future, the jump in the tomorrow. The jump in the non-existential creates the ego. Because it comes out of the non-existential it is like a mirage. It consists only of desire and nothing else. It consists only of thirst and nothing else.

The ego is not in the present, it is in the future. If you are in the future, then ego seems to be very substantial. If you are in the present the ego is a mirage, it starts disappearing.
The day I stopped seeking…and it is not right to say that I stopped seeking, better will be to say the day seeking stopped. Let me repeat it: the better way to say it is the day the seeking stopped. Because if I stop it then I am there again. Now stopping becomes my effort, now stopping becomes my desire, and desire goes on existing in a very subtle way.
You cannot stop desire; you can only understand it. In the very understanding is the stopping of it. Remember, nobody can stop desiring, and the reality happens only when desire stops.

So this is the dilemma. What to do? Desire is there and Buddhas go on saying desire has to be stopped, and they go on saying in the next breath that you cannot stop desire. So what to do? You put people in a dilemma. They are in desire, certainly. You say it has to be stopped—okay. And then you say it cannot be stopped. Then what is to be done?

The desire has to be understood. You can understand it, you can just see the futility of it. A direct perception is needed, an immediate penetration is needed. Look into desire, just see what it is, and you will see the falsity of it, and you will see it is non-existential. And desire drops and something drops simultaneously within you.

Desire and the ego exist in cooperation, they coordinate. The ego cannot exist without desire, the desire cannot exist without the ego. Desire is projected ego, ego is introjected desire. They are together, two aspects of one phenomenon.

That night the death was total. It was a date with death and god simultaneously.

For me, that morning was a reborn as a Goddess and also a death. Death and Goddess simultaneously. I was a totally different person from whom I was just a moment ago (again the “I” is not here, but I only the word for the sake of convenience).

And when I was going through this total transformation, my mother happened to come and visited me.

I was laughing to myself and she asked why I laughed. At first I didn’t tell her then I told her briefly. My mother is perhaps the polar opposite of me, she is not exactly sensitive nor interested in anything spirituality but quite rooted in the material world. Again, to me, it doesn’t matter if people understood or not. But I know she could feel my joy and bliss.

My beautiful friend and assistant Sara also came and visited me in the afternoon and she told me now I looked different. She could feel something has changed as Sara is quite sensitive and I told her everything.


So what now? What’s the meaning and purpose of life when one became enlightenment?

There is no meaning and no purpose. I have done all my homework here. I have finished searching. To me, there is no difference whether I live or die.

Now I know why some yogis when they became enlightenment, they will just discard their physical bodies. I read about this in quite a few sacred books, at first I couldn’t understand why - doesn’t it look like suicide? But now I understand why. Because there is no need for them to be here, their job is done in this life, in this earthly plane.

But one can choose to remain here out of compassion. There is a lot of suffering in this world and the only solution for humans to end all suffering is to become enlightened, exactly like what Buddha said two thousand five hundred years ago. The day you become enlightened, it is the day when all sufferings, all illusions in your life ends.

The root cause of suffering is from low consciousness, from the illusions created by the mind. As one shifts to higher consciousness, one would suffer less. As one becomes enlightened, one would not suffer anymore.

There is also a kind of emptiness (in a good way) and permanent state of joy and bliss, a very peaceful kind. Also there is no longer any desire (as in any personal desires, as the self is again not here).

When one becomes enlightened, one’s entire life is guided by the Divine, the source energy, the self is no longer here to be in charge in any ways. Whatever I do now is not I, it is from the Divine, through the Divine, for the Divine and to the Divine.

Also on the outer life, it may seem that nothing has changed much as I will still keep doing the same thing. But there is no more identification to what I’m doing and everything is guided by the Divine. I will still teach tantra, sacred feminine work. I will also start hosting Satsang, to serve humanity on a mass scale, to answer all people’s questions related to their spiritual journey and all areas of life.

Again I’m not really the doer. It may look like I’m the doer, but I’m only a pure vessel. The self is dead. I’m only here to serve, the “I” is no more, the “I” is only the Divine.

Also I believe this state is permanent when one arrives at the final stage. Because the gap between enlightenment and unenlightenment is too big, to go back to where I was would be too much effort and there is no way I would go back (again, because the “I” is not here, so there is no way to go back). When the final stage of enlightenment happened, it is permanent and eternal.

Also, to completely understand what I’m talking about, one needs to become enlightened. One needs to experience by oneself to understand. The teacher can only show the way, the students have to walk the path by themselves.

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