I have been a seeker for almost all of my life, until recently.
Since I was a little girl, I started asking questions, contemplating about the meaning and purpose life. I had many questions on my mind:
Who am I?
Where am I from?
Where will I go?
What’s the purpose and meaning of life?
And I felt no one could answer them - not my family, not my friends, not any other people I knew from my immediate circle. So I stopped asking. I was largely an introvert during my childhood, living in my own world.
My biggest hobby and passion was drawing and painting at that time. It was a natural born talent of mine. I remember when I was a little girl, I would naturally pick up any pen and papers I could get and started drawing and sketching and was very good at it naturally.
It was a way for me to go into the inner world, to escape the chaos in this world. Unfortunately, this hobby and passion was not given the opportunity to nurture as I was told I should be focused on the more important subjects at school… and I compromised, I obeyed…
Now looking back, I lived largely in a “follow what the adults said and what the society said”, a kind of dreaming state of life for a very long time throughout all my school years. I obtained good grades at school and went to the top University in this country and became a lawyer, like what everyone thought I should be. But it all seemed very empty and meaningless.
I was not happy.
My soul was not happy.
It was until my sudden and spontaneous spiritual awakening experience at the age of twenty-five under the foothills of Himalaya, in the holy city of Rishikesh, everything started to change.
That was when my Soul started to wake up, when I started to distinguish what is coming from my monkey mind and my consciousness, that was when I started to truly to listen to my intuition, to truly follow my heart and to live a life that is in service of my highest self.
Over the past five years of my awakening journey, I had travelled to many different parts of the world to learn all different healing modalities with renowned teachers in the field. I was grateful for all these opportunities.
I felt particularly in this year, I had almost a quantum leap on my spiritual journey. I had radical energy shifts happening during my intense tantric training and also mama Ayahuasca had shown me the Way.
During my Ayahuasca ceremony, I was in a state of enlightenment for a very long time. In Ayahuasca, I saw the impossible became the possible, I experience the Ultimate Truth, the unfathomable, the unexplainable, the indescribable. I knew what the state of Samadhi felt like and I knew that was where I wanted to go, that was what I have been seeking my whole life. That was where I want to end up in this lifetime, not another lifetime, but this lifetime.
I knew that for a while since my first glimpses of enlightenment five years ago and subsequent glimpses during my meditative state (even Enlightenment has different stages). But what I felt was that mama Ayahuasca showed the real deal, the full package of an enlightened person living in a human body. It turned all my fantasies into reality. It showed me my Highest Potential in this human existence and I knew I want to get there.
It is my earnest desire.
My deepest wish.
My Soul’s deepest longing.
I’m wiling to give up everything for that, to give all of myself to that, to devote myself deeply to this path, to embody this state in this human existence.
And I know all is possible.
Even the word impossible says “I’m possible.”
I know there is a price to pay
To Give up all of myself,
And I will pay for it.
I know I have to be much more discipline towards myself, on being a brahmacharya and on a strict vegan diet. I also feel I’m at the stage that I’m ready for the next level of challenge on my spiritual journey.
When I was in my ayahuasca retreat, pre and during the retreat I was on a strict ayahuasca diet (vegan plus no salt no sugar no oil... and of course no sex). When you are on a master plant dieta, you will be put on very strict diet.
We had the plainest meal at the centre, mostly consisting of vegetable soup (I love it by the way). Two meals a day and only one meal on ceremony day.
What I realised was when I only had one meal a day, I became much more aware and alert about all my desires, perhaps more shadow desires (like craving for food, chocolate...). I was also aware that my craving was not really based on necessity but more out of pleasure, out of desires, out of old habits and conditionings...).
I also realise when I only had one meal a day, i became much more creative and even more energised. I was reading one book a day, also drawing, writing (when you can't eat, have no phone, no Internet, no contact with the outer world also no talking with others - it's recommended we shouldn't talk/socialise much with other participants and should be mostly in solitude. I was completely in my aloneness, and I quite enjoyed it like I always did. I also felt it was better to do something creative, so one can direct the energy and attention of the mind to more creative use rather than thinking about food...)
I also had the most strong ayahuasca experience on a day of soft dry fast (with very little water intake on the day). Also I was told by the facilitator that the effect of one day of dry Fasting is equivalent of many days of normal Fasting.
And now when I came back to "this reality", I have the strong desire to be much stricter on my diet. Because I realise how important our diet is relating to our energy, emotions and everything else (I knew that early on, but I had not exactly applied this on myself).
Sometimes (or maybe a lot of time) we are eating not because we have to, but it could be out of pleasure, out of emotions, out of desires...(I'm not saying it's wrong by the way). What I observe is that if I over eat, even just a tiny bit, I realise I really don't feel good in my body at all...
I'd really very much like to be a strict VEGAN from now on and perhaps only eat 1-2 meals a day and have Intermittent Fasting regularly.
During the past five years of awakening, I was largely a vegetarian, there was a period I was a vegan, but that did not last long...and I sometimes cheated on having seafood... Seafood has been the biggest challenge for me to give up (maybe one of my past lives I was a feline… and I grew up in a beach city that's renowned for seafood so I had been eating seafood since a very young age in this life.). But I'd very much like to give up all seafood for good because I really love fish and other sea animals (also for Spiritual Purity and keep my body in the highest vibration possible) , and I really do not wish to eat them (I'm sure I can do it! 🙏).
Also in my previous article I shared about why it is important for practising bramacharaya if one wants to attain Brahman (ultimate truth) and I totally understand why in an ayahuasca diet they forbid sex and also why enlightened tantrika like RamaKrishna was absolutely uncompromising about the need for being a Bramacharya.
So mama ayahuasca actually made me to have the desire of practising Bramacharya and also becoming a strict vegan!
One may wonder why I want to live such a “boring life”, but quite the opposite, it was the Truth I experience through mama Ayahuasca that I knew what it was like to be enlightenment. Once one had a taste of Samadhi and experienced the Truth, worldly desire would just seem quite petty, all temporary pleasures just wouldn't do anymore, one would not even care much (cravings for food and sex are distractions on the path to enlightenment).
Sure one can enjoy but not Indulge, one lives in the world but not of the world and knowing everything here is all temporary.
I feel mama ayahuasca actually helps me evolve much quicker on my tantra path, to channel all the kundalini energy upwards and totally marry the inner masculine and Feminine, to feel whole and complete within myself, so there is no need to seek. Whatever you seek is already from within.
Being a brahmacharya and be on a strict vegan diet will definitely be a new challenge for myself. But at the same time I also feel this is a natural transition and I’m ready for the next level of SoulVolution, to integrate all the experiences through mama Ayahuasca in “this reality”.
I feel perhaps the most important step for an ayahuasca ceremony is actually the integration process. It is about how can one apply what one learns from the ceremony into this “reality”, this “life”, so one can obtain enlightenment in this world.
Ps. Also after talking with quite some people who had ayahuasca experience, I realise my experience was indeed very very unique and individual. Not everyone had such a strong and enlightening experience like I did (also because I knew I had done a lot of work in my past lives). So the journey is indeed very individual like all journeys. And it's perhaps not for everyone.
This post is also not to encourage people to practice brahmacharya and become a vegan. I’m not here to preach and promote anything, and I’m neither for or against anything. I am simply sharing my experience and my path to enlightenment. One shall perhaps only do that if one really has the earnest desire to obtain enlightenment in this human life, which may not be the aspiration for many people.
Also one shall practice when one feels ready, not feel like being forced or repressed into anything. If you are being forced and being repressed into doing something, then it will never lasts. One can only succeed if it comes as a natural transition, when one is ready, when one’s will is strong and determined enough.
I know in the end, this desire of being enlightened also needs to be dropped, then the impossible will happen naturally. But first, one needs to be earnest, one needs to have the desire, to have the discipline. When the discipline becomes integrated as your natural state of being, then the desire will be dropped naturally and one can obtain enlightenment.
Of course, it is not an easy path, it is arduous. But I know it worths every effort. And perhaps in two or three years’ time, I will go into solitude in the Amazonian forest to further my advancement, also to be in apprenticeship with my beloved Shaman to learn more about plant medicine. But so far, I’m happy where I am. I’m grateful for where I have arrived in this moment, in the Here Now.