How to Stay Centred in Relationships
When I am alone, I found it is not so difficult to stay centred and connected, doing daily meditations and following my own mindfulness rituals. It is also relatively easy to access the power of now and knowing what I want or don't want in this moment when I am by myself.
However, to stay centred in any given moment in the midst of a relationship, particularly a romantic relationship, is an entirely different level of mastery. And I've often failed terribly, again and again, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
When you first meet someone and feeling a strong connection, it is natural to want to spend more time with him/her, and sometimes even doing things that you may not necessarily feel like doing, or making decisions that may not be what your heart most wants at that moment, just for the sake of companionship and "being together".
I am aware that I have this tendency of falling out of balance when I am in a romantic relationship. As a natural giver and a romantic, I like to give, to make the other person happy, and also "to be nice".
However, sometimes I could easily lose my centre by not being very aware and compromising a part of my authenticity by ignoring my intuition. As a result, I might not feel so great afterwards (this is what I have noticed - when you are not centred or not in tune with your intuition, that's when the blue sky might have disappeared - that's also when the initial magical connection may deteriorate).
Alas, but I suppose that's okay too. After all, we are all humans. Humans make mistakes, and I'm certainly not the only person who keeps making the same mistakes, repeatedly.
In Elizabeth Gilbert's bestselling novel 'Eat Pray Love', when she first met her Brazilian lover in Bali, she fell head over heels for him (and so did he). They spent a lot of time together, and she was worried about losing herself in love again. She went over to see her Balinese medicine man Kutut to expressed her concerns. The old wise medicine man replied simply and calmly, "Liz, to lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life." (So yes, that would be my excuse to forgive myself, again and again.)
Also, even the famous tantra and meditation teacher Sally Kempton admitted in her book that when she was in relationships, she felt out of balance, always wanting to give more and forgot about herself. That was why she prefer to stay single and became a swami.
So if you are also one of those people who often feel out of balance in love, rest assure that you are not alone. Most people do in love, and that is okay too.
I'm probably not ready to be a swami and remain single the rest of my life. Life is all about relationships. My path is to stay in this world, not to renounce the world, so I guess I will have to learn better about how to stay centred in any given moment, in any kind of relationship.
I'm a deep and passionate lover, and it is almost natural to sometimes lose centre in love. The funny thing is, I'm aware of it - I know sometimes I am not centred at all. Osho says you can do anything you like, as long as you are aware (I guess this can be used as another excuse of mine :P).
So I'm aware that I fall out of balance, and once my consciousness rises (probably after a meditation session), I can re-establish the centre again.
You might ask why do you want to stay centred? Because if you have ever experienced the inner peace that you experience in deep meditative state (when you are very centred), then you would not want to lose it. You would not want to lose the constant blue sky inside your mind, the bliss and ecstasy you feel that is totally independent of anything, and also you feel tremendously empowered yet peaceful at the same time. You also experience divine love that is, in my opinion, much more profound than physical love.
I can perhaps go on and on about why I want to stay centred in my daily life and the enormous benefits you get by being centred. So here I come up with some tips of staying balance and centred in a relationship from my own experience (again, I know this, but sometimes still find it difficult to embody, so this article is also written as a self-reminder).
1. Don't skip your meditation.
Don't skip your meditation or whatever mindfulness ritual that you often do to help you stay centred. When I'm by myself, the first thing I do when I wake up (after brushing my teeth etc.) is to sit down and meditate for at least five to ten minutes. Meditation helps me to raise consciousness and to stay centred. I noticed that if I start my day without meditation, it will be an entirely different day than if I start my day with meditation (of course, the latter is always better).
However, sometimes you are with your loved one, it is easy to skip your ritual (like I often do...). I think it is important to stick to your ritual and if your partner is also into meditation, both of you can do it together. When both of your consciousness are raised, then your relationship will be naturally much more harmonious and with less arguments.
2. Pause, reflect and breathe.
Sometimes when your partner suggests something that may not necessarily be of your best interest or what your heart really wants to do, you can take a moment to stop and think, and ask yourself (your heart) - is this what you really want to do?
When you've asked yourself the question, normally you will get an honest inner answer if you listen - if the answer is no, then don't do it, or at least communicate openly with your partner about your honest feelings.
3. Always listen to your intuition, always.
There is something about intuition that seems to be always right. My intuition always seems to be wiser than my logical mind. When your intuition says something, make sure you listen and do not ignore it.
4. Open and honest communications.
Communicating openly and honestly with your partner about boundaries.
5. Practising radical self-love & forgiveness.
Forgive yourself if you found yourself losing centre again. After all, staying centre in any given moment is not easy (it requires a constant high level of consciousness), and this is a journey. It probably won't happen overnight, so be patient with yourself, learn from your mistakes, but if you keep failing, again always forgive yourself, and one day you might just get there (better than feeling guilty and constantly beating yourself up).
6. Creating space & distance.
To create space and distance help you to have the time for yourself to think and reflect, also it helps you to re-establish your centre again if you feel you have somehow lost it. Distance also keeps things interesting and mysterious which is essential for long lasting romance. So the old adage absence makes the heart grow fonder is indeed true. Too much too soon is never a good idea. Everything in moderation.
So all in all, I think it is normal to lose centre in a relationship, as long as you are aware. And once you are aware, try to shift the pendulum back to the centre. Balance is the key for a happy and healthy relationship :)
Love, Peace & Bliss