Debunking the Myths of Female Sexuality
From my early twenties to the age if twenty-seven, I struggled with my sexuality. I rarely orgasmed during intercourse, and so sex was never a pleasurable experience. And no, I was not good at faking. "Meh, it was just okay," was my general attitude towards sex. I did not talk about it openly with my then boyfriends (as in I did not fully express my sexual dissatisfaction), afraid of hurting other people's feelings, so I repressed my own sexual needs.
Initially, I thought there must be something wrong with me (with my body? But I could come easily during masturbation though), then I asked my girlfriends about their experiences, and it turned out many of them also couldn’t reach orgasm during sex.
It was a relief to know that it was not just me. In fact, it is almost a universal fact that many women don't have orgasms during sex. A study from the United States has revealed four in five women, i.e. more than 80% of women cannot reach orgasm through intercourse (or do so only occasionally). It’s a huge contrast to men, who typically orgasm 95 percent of the time.
During my period of self-discovery, and sexual discovery, I dated many men. Dubbed the city that never sleeps, I lived in Shanghai for one year, one of the most exciting cities in the world with the most vibrant nightlife, where there are people from all over the world. I let my wild woman go.
I dated men ranging from my own age to the more experienced men in their late thirties (the beauty of being in your twenties is that you can almost date men from all ages), men from different countries and backgrounds, models to CEOs. But still, I rarely orgasmed during my wild sexual encounters. It is only in the last year that I started to understand why and have gained a much better understanding of my own body and sexuality.
Did I regret those experiences? No. I enjoyed those experiences. Women desire to be desired, touched and kissed (even in the case of an absent orgasm), they like the thrill of flirting, meeting interesting people and getting to know them. I see all these experiences as part of my journey to self-discovery and contributors to my personal growth. Every man is unique and brings with him a different experience, which in turn enriches your understanding of yourself, your own body, your sexuality. The opposite sex can help you discover your likes and dislikes through trial and error.
No woman should be called a slut or promiscuous because she is sexually curious or has a high sex drive (Yes, some women do have high sex drive).
For me, I need to have some sort of physical or emotional connection with someone to have sex, and I always made sure protection was in place. No condom, no sex. And now I'm on the path of Tantra, the bar just keeps rising higher, the spiritual connection for me is much more important.
Okay, enough of my own sexual history. So why can’t women have orgasms and consequently not enjoy sex like men do? I believe this is largely due to two reasons:
1. Lack of understanding of female sexuality; and
2 Lack of self-knowledge.
1. Lack of understanding of female sexuality.
Our education system does not provide proper sex education, minimal information on sexual protection, and nothing much about sexual pleasure. We get this mostly from pornography and movies.
Given all this limited and misleading information, it is perhaps not unsurprising that so many men and women don't understand female sexuality and what helps a woman orgasm.
First of all, it is a huge misconception that penetration alone can make women orgasm. If you are a man reading this and have ever wondered why your girlfriend or partner cannot orgasm during sex, it most likely to be because there was not enough clitoral stimulation. It is very difficult for a woman to orgasm purely from penetration as the key to female orgasm lies in the clitoris, not the vagina.
PLEASE, DO NOT BELIEVE IN PORNOGRAPHY AND FREUD.
Sigmond Freud, the father of psychotherapy, came up with perhaps the most ignorant theory about female sexuality. Freud classified women’s orgasm as two types, clitoral and vaginal orgasms. He assumed that clitoral orgasm was infantile and immature, and concluded that achieving orgasm through clitoral stimulation is associated with mental illness. He also stated that mature and mentally healthy women should only be having the vaginal orgasm (see Freud's Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality).
Freud had zero understanding of female sexuality and didn't care to study himself, but just decided to make up some ridiculous theory. His wife and mistresses were perhaps faking the whole time (I pitied them).
Although his theory of female sexuality was absolute nonsense, the result of his theory was somehow significant given his highly regarded status in the field of psychotherapy. It no doubt influenced many psychologists, psychiatrists, medical textbooks worldwide and contributed greatly in shaping society's perception of female sexuality and the suppressing of it.
It isn’t surprising then that there is still so little known about female sexuality and orgasms today. In fact, so-called vaginal orgasms are commonly the result of either external indirect stimulation of the clitoris or internal stimulation - friction against the vaginal walls excites the nerve endings in the interior parts of the clitoris. In essence, the clitoris is the female's most sensitive erogenous zone and the primary anatomical source of human female sexual pleasure (see Masters & Johnson's Research).
If you still don’t know where the clitoris is, please refer to in this article in Wikipedia, with a more detailed explanation of the clitoris.
Female sexuality is not that complicated if properly understood. It is very powerful once tapped into and there is capability for multiple orgasms, even in a relatively short period. Recently, I have discovered that men can also achieve the multi-orgasmic state, see the Taoist master Montak Chia's book 'The Multi-Orgasmic Man', but that is another topic.
Without proper clitoral stimulation, female orgasm is very, very difficult. Yes, there are different types of orgasms such as the mysterious G-spot orgasm, and if you want to know more about it I recommend watching the legendary Layla Martins' video on YouTube.
And the nipple orgasm? I have personally not achieved orgasm by nipple stimulation alone. But there is no doubt breasts and nipples have many nerve endings and it is definitely arousing. Some women have claimed they can achieve nipple orgasm, so there may be some truth in this, but everyone is different. I believe the entire female body is orgasmic, and if it is stimulated properly, every woman can achieve orgasm.
There is also the energy orgasm. I have definitely experienced orgasmic feelings without intercourse or touching (for instance, my spiritual awakening experience, Kundalini awakenings, and during Breathwork).
Also, women need a lot more foreplay. Women need to feel loved, we like to be kissed, caressed, so men, please be patient and don't rush into penetration. Nothing turns a woman off more than a man trying to rush into penetration without arousing them first. For me, twenty to thirty minutes foreplay is standard, especially if you have practised Tantric sex.
Many women probably know that penetration alone cannot get us to orgasm, however, many women are too reluctant and feel embarrassed or even inadequate to speak up, perhaps due to deep cultural and social conditioning, with the media, the porn industry and the father of psychotherapy all contributing to the incorrect portrayal of women coming in seconds like men without clitoral stimulation. Our bodies are not built that way.
And worse, if you were raised by Asian parents, chances are you never heard the word 'sex' from the day you were born until the end of your life. Sex is a taboo subject, particularly in Asian culture. No one dares to talk about it. Everybody acts like sex is something completely non-existent, yet we are the walking proof of sexual activity because we were born. China has the population of over 1.2 billion people and that is a lot of sex! Yet you will never hear any Chinese parents ever discussed sex, EVER!
I believe women cannot be fully liberated if our sexuality is repressed, and we have already been repressed for too many centuries. Women shouldn't feel embarrassed or inadequate to speak openly about what matters to them. It really is time for us to speak up, to debunk all the misleading perceptions and reveal the truth.
2. Lack of self-knowledge.
Every woman is unique, every woman's body is different and every woman has different preferences. I think it is important for a woman to explore her own body, to understand what works and what doesn't work, and to have open communication with her sexual partner in order to maximise sexual pleasure.
For instance, I know from my experience that my favourite position is me on top, because a woman’s body is very delicate and with the woman on top, you have much more control. Also it is a position that can easily stimulate the clitoral area, and hence make it easier to achieve orgasm.
Generally it takes a woman much longer to orgasm than a man. This is why the missionary position is not ideal as it is difficult for a woman to control the pace. It often results in the man getting excited and ejaculate too soon, which short-circuits the woman’s sexual pleasure.
I absolutely detest the fast and hard sex so prevalent in pornography. Also, I think most women are faking it, and you can see this just by their facial expressions. It you have empathy you can see the truth easily. The pornography industry has absolutely hijacked women’s sexuality, it sexualises inequality, violence against women, and the degradation of women.
Also, sex is not just about orgasm although orgasm is an important part of it. If you are on the spiritual path, you see sex as sacred love making, a divine union and energetic exchange between two parties. The atmosphere of the room, the foreplay and after play are all equally important. Purely physical sex is barbaric and non-fulfilling. The deeper you walk the path, the less you can tolerate just physical sex.
Also, open communication with your partner is vital. It is difficult for one to understand one's own body so it is even more difficult for others to understand it. Your partner is not a mind-reader, so communicate honestly about what works for you and what doesn’t to improve the quality of lovemaking.
And most importantly, relax! Relax both the body and mind, just enjoy.
Sex is a tremendously beautiful and powerful life force and definitely not a sin. So, if you are a woman who is currently not enjoying sex much and is frustrated with your sex life, do not give up, explore more and do more self-study to understand the subject of female sexuality and your own body, and believe that you can obtain sexual pleasure and you are totally deserving of it. Biologically, all women can orgasm, period. (Thanks to YouTube and brave women like Layla Martin and others who are so courageous to speak up and generous in sharing their wisdom).
As women, you deserve the ultimate pleasure. You deserve the best, in life and in the bedroom.
Here is a video of by my beloved guruji Osho on how sacred lovemaking should be
Please note that I do not fully agree with every single thing my beloved Guruji said in the video - like how the missionary position is always a miserable position - change can be good sometimes too.
However, I do fully agree with most of what he said:
1) Love making is a sacred experience. Purely physical sex is just barbaric and non-fulfilling (especially if have walked on the spiritual path, the deeper you walk on the path, the less u can tolerate just physical sex - I've almost grown to zero tolerance on this one).
2) The atmosphere, the foreplay, after play and all are super important in lovemaking.
3) The easiest position for women to reach orgasm is to have the woman on top, as discussed earlier the female's body is very delicate and when the woman is on top, she has more control over the situation, and if she knows her body well enough, it's much easier for the necessary stimulation to happen for her to reach orgasm.
Also open communications with your partner are important as it is difficult for one to understand one's own body and probably more difficult for others to understand your own body. Your partner is probably not a mind-reader, so communicate honestly about what works and what don't can improve the quality of lovemaking.
And most importantly, relax! Relax both the body and mind, just enjoy :)
Sex is tremendously beautiful and powerful life force and definitely not a sin. So, if you are a woman who is currently not enjoying sex as much and frustrated with your sex life, do not give up too easily, explore more and do more self-study to understand the subject of female sexuality and your own body, and believe that you can obtain sexual pleasure and totally deserve it. Biologically, all women can orgasm, period. (Thanks to the internet and YouTube and brave women like Layla Martin and others who are so courageous to speak up and generous in sharing their wisdom).
(Feel free to share about your own experience, love to hear more :) I will write an article about tantric sex soon)